Interview for Admission of an Ex-MBA

• Introduce yourself.

Good morning, Sir. My name is Somebody. As a kid my father told me that when I grow up, I should become a doctor. So, at the age of 11 I dreamed of becoming the world’s best heart surgeon, while in the toilet. Obvious to say, that dream went down the flush. Then I dreamt of becoming a cricketer. I was pretty good at it and became a finisher for my team, something on the lines of Michael Bevan, Lance Klusener, Albie Morkel or Mahendra Singh Dhoni. I was also effective in my bowling chipping with crucial wickets and a maniac, fearless fielder. However, Education ruined my sports. Then I got into Singing and Dancing, and saw much success. But that was not meant to happen. So again both those dreams went up in a smoke. Suddenly I was in 12th and struggled to even pass. However I worked hard enough and scored 80% but didn't get into Engineering because apparently the rule [which I didn't know] to get into engineering is that either you are from a low caste or you have to make a “donation” to the college of about 2-3 lakh rupees, and you MUST not score above 60% marks!! So I did my Bachelor of Science in Computer Science, where I was very interested in Film making, Not C, or C++! However, just when I had decided to try my luck as an assistant director, I fell in love. With an Aries girl! She urged me to write CAT! I was like, what the hell is THAT? So, I wrote it and scored 90th Percentile just because I was good at Maths and English. [Which is what CAT is all about actually]. Then I got into Some Institute of Management for being weird! You see how every reality show has one weird character whose only merit to join the show is his/her weirdness? Others will come for their talents or looks, but I had only thing which stood out for me – which is that I stood out of the crowd! Then I got into Some Software Company as an HR executive, all the while carrying my ambition to become a filmmaker. I even quit Some Software Company after 4 years and went to Mumbai and took a crap job at Some HR Firm, just so that I can get a shot at filmdom. However, I never even visited anyone even remotely associated with movies to ask for an opportunity, instead I fell in love with a Libra girl. Oh by the way, did I tell you that the Aries girl dumped me for another guy? Never mind, I thought you would have assumed that by now as she is an Aries. Meanwhile, I was fired from my job at Some HR Firm for falling in love with a Scorpio girl. [This was before the Libra girl BTW]. So, I got stung bad and had to look for another job. This time I became a Deputy Manager in HR. And got to make out with my Libra girl in office which was great. So, I forgot all about the reason why I had gone to Mumbai in the first place. But It was not meant to be, and the Libra girl found a groom from US and she got married to him and went away. But I didn’t lose heart, I dealt with the pain in the most constructive manner; I quit my job and left the city! Came back to Bangalore and joined Fortune 500 Company–my dream company when I was doing MBA. But once again my dream got f****d when I got this boss who was probably thrown out of hell for being an a**h**e. He apparently was trying to overthrow Satan and wanted to take over his job. So, he asked me to leave the company and shattered my dream once again. Then I decided I’m going to stop dreaming. And decided that I’m going to keep my dreams to myself and never work on them. Let them be just that – dreams! While I try and deal with reality!

• What are your strengths?

I used to be able to eat one full grilled chicken and 2 wheat parathas with Chicken Gravy. Now Im unable to do so. Actually all my strengths have reduced a lot so I don’t know.

• What are your weaknesses?

Umm…literally everything associated with me

• Why MBA?

Because my Aries girlfriend told me to.

• Many tycoons did not undergo formal training. Yet they are successful. Why do you want to do an MBA?

I don’t want to be a tycoon, that’s why!

• Why didn't you go for your core industry job?

Nobody gave me one. Duh !!

• Which was your favourite subject in B.Sc?

Mathematics and English.

• How many Logic gates are there?

I forgot.

• Tell us about your work profile.

I work in a factory filled with Zombies who are always looking for more and more brains to eat. I’m their caretaker and distribute portions of brain for their consumption.

• How do you spend a typical day at work?

Coffee with Sutta, Timepass, Sutta, check mails and respond to whatever little work I have, Sutta, Chai, Lunch, Sutta, Fighting to stay awake, Gossip, Sutta, Checking time impatiently to leave, Sutta and Escape.

• Your work seems interesting. Why leave it now?

To do the same thing abroad.

• Why do you need an MBA when you can read everything from books or from the internet?

I usually use internet only to surf porn.

• Even if we believe what you just said, the same is true for any B-School – why are you interested in us? Go anywhere.

If I get it here, I’ll join here, if not I’ll go somewhere else and try. Not like I’m interested in your college ONLY, you Jackass!

• Where else have you applied this year?

I applied to about 3 or 4 chicks in my office but got rejected.

• What interests you more – marketing or finance? Why?

Neither. Both suck donkey balls!

• Where do you see yourself 5 years from now?

On moon

• And where do you see yourself 10 years from now?

On Mars

• Give us an example to prove it to us that you have leadership qualities (and please exclude instances like coordinating the college fest!).

Boring question. Next please.

• What differentiates you from others who have come for seeking entry into our school?

You should tell me, because you’re the only one who has met everyone else, isn’t it?

• Describe something that you should start doing, do more of, and do less of?

I should start playing games on xbox, it seems like fun.

I should go to pubs and discs more

I should do less of taking shit from people.

• Who is your favourite business leader and why? Is he an MBA?

Sir Mucchad Singh Paanwaala. No, and hence successful and satisfied.

• Why should we select you?

You should know that.

• What’s your Plan B in case we don’t select you?

I have a gun in my pocket. I call that Plan B

• Ask us a question, preferably an interesting one.

Who do you think is f****ng your wife right now? Your neighbor or milkman?

• What is article 370?

The f**k do I know! Must be something really gay!

• Why are the oil prices low?

Who said that? It's all about perception, a**h**e. You earn 3 lakhs a month so it must be low for you.

• When did you realize that you wanted to go for an MBA?

After my Aries girlfriend promised me that if I agree to write CAT and do an MBA then she would make out with me more.

• What was the reason for dip in academics and especially in graduation?

I ran out of excuses to give!

• What is the driving force for you?

To become so powerful one day so that I can beat the shit out of guys like you.

• What all calls do you have and if you convert all which one will you join?

I have 1 call each from SBI, HDFC and Axis Bank for personal loan. 1 from some NGO asking for donation. I from Timesjobs asking for money so that they can help me in finding a job. I will probably take the one from the NGO and ask them for some money from whatever they manage to get from people as donations.

• What if you are not selected?

I will try and break into the NGO office and steal some money. Not all, only some.

• What are your Hobbies/interests?

Apart from Jerking off,… let me think….ummm….uhhh…..Let me think….uhhh…Phheewwww….I can’t think of any right now. This is going on forever, can I get a bathroom break?

• What are your Strengths and Weakness? Describe a situation for the same

This is a repeat question, you d**bf**k!

• Ethical question... your brother is in same organization as yours and has created a blunder due to which the organization has lost a lot of money. Only you know about this, what would you do?

He has done that many a times with our dad’s money also. I’m used to him being like this. So, I will probably use this as a blackmail point to get money from him whenever I want.

• Which specialization would you like to choose?

Honestly, do you have a specialization in Sensual Massage?

• What sets you apart from the rest?

Another repeat question. Seriously they should fire you. You’re an incompetent jerk.

• What are your academic Achievements?

Hahahahaha! Good one!

• What are your Non-Academic achievements?

I can’t share them here on record. I might end up in Jail.

• What is the difference between a leader and a manager? 

Rajnikant puts it in the best way possible in Kochadaiiyan – A manager says, “you go” and a leader says, “lets go”. That movie bombed at the box office, BTW.

• Who are your competitors in the industry?

Let me see, Ummm…. Rahul Gandhi and Arvind Kejriwal. They are probably weirder than me right now.

• What is the market size of IT?

I don’t know…like around 15000 sq ft??